Six Reasons It Sucks to Be a Jedi

John Scalzi is an award-winning science fiction writer.Hey, I haven't offended Star Wars fans in a while. Let's fix that! Here are six reasons it sucks to be a Jedi.

1. The Jedi uniform. The Jedi look like they dressed for their local Renaissance Faire in the dark. Thick robes, ill-fitting pants, tunics, clunky boots -- it's as if millions of fashion designers screamed out in terror and were suddenly silenced. And yes, I get that the Jedi are supposed to be a form of monastic order so they're not going to go in for flashy colors or sharply tailored suits. But, look. Sartorially speaking, if you're a representative of an order meant to help keep civilization from running off the rails and you meet with people who run entire planets to convince them not to do stupid things, maybe it'd be helpful not to dress like a stable boy all the time.

2. The Jedi haircuts. Mullets, rat tails, disco feathers, and crazy old man hair. These are your choices when you are a Jedi. No, you can't even go to Supercuts for a trim. Supercuts doesn't exist in a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The coolest-looking Jedi of all time is Mace Windu, who was bald, presumably because he looked around at the hair choices available to him and thought, "to hell with this, I'm really Samuel L. Jackson, and Sam L. ain't wearing no m#$#%&$@#$%g mullet."

3. The dourness. In The Phantom Menace, Jedi padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi makes a couple of sarcastic remarks and his master, Qui-Gon Jinn, looks at him like he just farted in church. Indeed, if Qui-Gon smiles at any point during that movie, it's escaped my memory (it's possible that actor Liam Neeson accidentally smiled at one point, but then Lucas digitally took it out). And you think, Maybe it's just Qui-Gon being a sad sack. But no, watch the entire series and you'll note that all the Jedi are all serious all the time; even Yoda saves his humorous moments for when he's in exile on Dagobah. This suggests to me that the toughest gig in the galaxy is being a standup comedian at the Jedi Temple's "comedy club" night. 

4. The whole "being taken away from your family at an unfathomably young age" thing. In Attack of the Clones, we're treated to a scene of adorable Jedi younglings fiddling with lightsabers (and in Revenge of the Sith, we're treated to a scene of adorable Jedi younglings being slaughtered by Anakin Skywalker), and we're told that typically these kids are taken by the Jedi at a very young age -- near birth, in fact -- to be trained in the Jedi ways. I can't help but think how this goes over with the mothers involved:

SCENE: A Galactic Republic medical facility. A woman has just given birth and is holding her newborn. Suddenly, a JEDI enters the room.MOM: Why is there a stable boy in the maternity ward?JEDI: I'm not a stable boy, I'm a Jedi. And I'm here to take your child, to which you have just given birth, to become one of us. She will be raised in a barracks and live a life of ascetic deprivation, after which she'll probably be killed by a rogue member of our order. As frequently happens. JEDI: The Jedi have not told a joke since the Old Republic, ma'am.

At which point I suspect she'll just flat out kill him. Because, you know, she just spent nine months rather uncomfortably growing a human inside of her. I think she's going to want to spend a little quality time with the little bundle of midi-chlorians.

5. The whole "oh, yeah, we're not supposed to have sex, either" thing. Technically it's not that the Jedi are forbidden to have sex, but they are forbidden to have strong emotional attachments, and sex is frowned upon as something of a self-indulgence. So it's really "you can have sex if you want, you'll just be a really bad Jedi if you do." Which on the one hand is fair enough: You try to get some action while dressed in burlap and looking like a Flowbee has attacked your head. But on the other hand is guaranteed to make Jedi all weird about sex and relationships. See: Anakin Skywalker. 

6. Lightsabers. I know, I know. Lightsabers are cool. I want one, too. But Han Solo was right: Ancient weapons are no match for a blaster by your side -- especially when, as happens in both Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, the ratio is something like 200 blasters for every lightsaber. No matter how many bolts you deflect with your spinning saber gymnastics, one is going to get through sooner or later. And anyway, in Sith, we see Obi-Wan happily use a blaster to take out an enemy, and then toss it aside in disgust, is if he just touched a bug. Dude, that blaster just saved your life where your pretty, pretty lightsaber availed you not. Stop being a snob. 

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Real Steel

Winner of several imaginary literary and filmmaking awards.

Real Steel is the cinematic equivalent of a hyper, panting, slobbery dog. It practically mauls the audience in an unabashed plea for undying love. In a souped-up, mad-cap, over-emoted epic kind of way, the film unsteadily teeters on the brink of unmitigated disaster for over two hours of metal-clanging robo-fighting and teary-eyed human melodrama. And yet at times it is so hard to deny this unfortunate little battle brawler of a movie. On the surface, it's a Michael Bay-wannabe. But whereas a genuine Michael Bay film would jam its blunt-force testosterone into our consciousness without much care for audience reaction, Real Steel is just a pathetic, uncoordinated mutt on the inside. I tried my best to show it some sympathy even as it just bounded across the screen like a lumbering robot.

Apparently based on a futuristic short story called "Steel," Real Steel is certainly not a visionary preponderance on the future. Save a few window-dressing details, the film doesn't feel "futuristic" at all, though it certainly doesn't take place in the present. It more exists in that timeless movie-movie world where every hour is Magic Hour and every life decision is accompanied by its own soundtrack of unmistakable emotional cues. The only primary element that sets our future sensors on alert is the presence of giant robots -- though these bots aren't entirely sentient like the more "evolved" machines of the Transformers movies. That would require that they hail from another planet; in Real Steel the robots are earthbound and human-controlled -- built, detailed, and pimped-out to engage in a form of main-event prize fighting. Think Robo-MMA.

Hugh Jackman headlines the film as Charlie, a flameout former boxing contender who now skates by as a low-rent huckster, entering his rusty bot in sideshow bouts and getting into hot water by making under-the-table bets with evil underground promoters. On the heels of his most recent disaster, Charlie returns home to discover his ex-girlfriend has died, leaving behind the child (Dakota Goyo) our hero fathered 10 years prior. Charlie doesn't have any desire to pursue a relationship with the kid, but he cuts a lucrative deal with the rich step-uncle (James Rebhorn, not allowed to be as smarmy as he could be, which is disappointing) to spend the summer with the boy before handing him over to his smothering aunt (Hope Davis...what's she doing here?).

Predictably, an insipid father-son story transpires for the duration of the movie, as the kid turns out to be a gamer-slash-techie who is driven to take a low-tech "sparring bot" he finds buried in a treacherous landfill and turn it into a champion fighter. Jackman gets to alternate between being charmingly skeptical and charmingly gruff while slowly being won over by his son and -- whaddya know -- discovering he wants to be a father after all. You might also guess that, through the underdog robot, our hero is able to exorcise the demons of his own professional past and attain success as a fighter once again -- at the expense of evil Asian robot megalomaniacs, no less.

Shawn Levy directed Real Steel, and for better or worse, the guy apparently knows how to mount crowd-pleasing spectacles that attract a large audience (he is coming off two Night at the Museum films). If the audience reaction at the promo screening is any indication, this one will have families rolling in the aisles with uproarious revival-tent cheers -- no wonder a sequel has already been green-lit. To a degree, that makes sense; this film respresents a small step toward more ambitious visual filmmaking for Levy, and working from a screenplay by John Gatins, some of the material works on the basis of pure charm. Jackman is charismatic as always, and develops suitable chemistry with Goyo, who is sassy and fun as "the kid." He has a recurring bit where he dances with the robot that would be cloying if it wasn't so cute.

But the movie is really bloated, chock full of extended sequences of loud, incomprehensible robo-violence, alternated with scenes of treacly father-son emo-bonding. All these scenes are begging and pleading for us to love them, but the persistence is at once amusing and annoying. Maybe if the film zeroed in on its most charming elements and delivered a lean, crowd-pleasing underdog story, the end result would be a standout piece of slick studio product. As it stands, Real Steel is an ungainly robo-epic that delivers bigger thuds than thrills.

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Dolphin Tale

Winner of several imaginary literary and filmmaking awards.

Dolphin Tale presents a staggering compilation of various cinematic cliches so transparent a kid could see through them. I would know; mine did. For a while, the film is so blandly average in its peddling of said cliches that it nearly passes by as a simple bore. Then the third act kicks in and the onslaught becomes so incessant that by the end, I was convinced I had just witnessed a movie that could be used for years to come in film school classes -- as an exercise to break down just how many tired formulas a good film should try to avoid.

The film is based on an unfortunate true story -- not unfortunate because the story is downbeat or sad, but because the real-life participants have to forever admit that their lives were dramatized in a movie that would be rejected by half of the major cable networks. There have been plenty of real-life stories exploited for commercial gain, but this one is especially seedy. It finds a way to simultaneously fetishize pariotism and physical disabilities as part of a story of a dolphin that, true as its roots may be, must have been so lacking in organic human drama that the filmmakers felt the need to tack on an ungainly amount of embarrassing melodrama.

Harry Connick, Jr., Ashley Judd, and Morgan Freeman headline the film's happy advertising campaign, but the story centers on poor Sawyer (Nathan Gamble), who is despondent to the point that he's nearly mute. So depressed is Sawyer over the absence of his recently-deployed soldier cousin (Austin Stowell) that he literally rides around town on his bike, barely acknowledging the world. But our little hero perks right up when he serendipitously stumbles upon a dolphin washed up on the shore of the local beach, its tail caught in a crab trap. After Connick and his team of marine biology superfriends arrive to rescue the dolphin and nurse it back to health, Sawyer becomes a fixture at Connick's struggling lab, where he forms a bond with the animal -- named 'Winter' -- that will, you know, last a lifetime.

Judd plays Sawyer's single mom, who is at first skeptical of her son's summertime obsession, but she is quickly drawn into Winter's plight. Freeman is a wise-cracking prosthetics expert brought in to devise a mechanical tail for Winter, since she lost hers to the crab trap and can't survive without a functioning appendage. Such an endeavor comes with more than its fair share of trials and tribulations, which are regurgitated in a continual pattern of elated hope followed by catastrophic depression. This film far exceeds the audience's capacity for willing acceptance of tear-jerking moments of truth.

Clearly, cliches are fused inextricably with Dolphin Tale's DNA, but as the film plods along, it juggles an amazing amount of rote formulas all at once. Sawyer is the troubled boy who misses a long-lost family member. His bond with Winter is stripped directly from the playbook utilized by film from Old Yeller to Free Willy. The training/rehabilitation of irresistibly cute but unavoidably stubborn animal is an age-old device. But it doesn't stop there. Soon the soldier cousin, once a high school swim team hero, returns from the battlefield wounded and depressed -- but he must find the will to swim again (hey, just like the dolphin!). As if that wasn't enough, Connick's struggling lab is under threat of an evil corporate buyout, which obviously means all loose story strands must come together at a whimsical fundraising carnival, at which the soldier swims tag-team with Winter and all is made right with the world.

Oh, and the movie is in 3-D. Let's set the over/under at 10 for the number of shots featuring a CGI dolphin jumping out of the water and straight at the camera.

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EXCLUSIVE: Peter Cullen Talks Transformers: Dark of the Moon Blu-ray

Sep 30, 2011 by Brian Gallagher

Transformers: Dark of the Moon took movie theaters by storm this summer, earning over $1.1 billion at the box office worldwide. Like the first two movies before it, Shia LaBeouf is certainly the face of the franchise, but Peter Cullen is undoubtedly the voice. The actor lends his legendary vox to Optimus Prime in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, which hits the shelves on Blu-ray and DVD today, September 30.

I recently had the chance to speak with Peter Cullen over the phone about Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and here's what he had to say below.

I know how the process of voicing an animated character works, but how does it work on a live-action movie like this? How early in the process are you coming in to do the voice? Can you talk about how that process works?

Peter Cullen: Well, the difference between the animated version, going back to Generation One, and the action version, the human involvement is highlighted and Optimus finds himself communicating on a human level more than ever before. Not that he didn't before, but it's much more obvious now. Certainly in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, he begins to show more human emotions than he ever did before, including anger. These are all factors that create new challenges.

Are you ever on the set when they are shooting this, or when do your recording sessions come into play?

Peter Cullen: Our recording sessions are usually in the studios with the engineers. I did have the opportunity to work with Frances McDormand and Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson on set. It was a very exciting moment for me because normally, as a voice actor, you're stuck in a small room. I had the opportunity to join them in an airplane hangar down in Long Beach. It was really fun. I even had my own chair (Laughs).

Was that the first time you had done that in this series? Had you done that in the first two movies?

Peter Cullen: No, not at all. This was unique. It came about in a funny way, Brian. (Director) Michael Bay wanted Frances McDormand to have a more one-on-one relationship with Optimus Prime, so she could get a better idea of him, rather than talking to a balloon attached to a crane 45 feet up in the air. So we did our scene together, several times. I had a ball working with her. I have great respect for her as an actress. My God, she's one of the greatest, going back to Fargo and things like that. It was great to be with her and look right into her eyes, and it gave her a better sense of what Prime was, on an acting level. Then she could go about talking to the crane, and that made more sense. I wanted to be in the movie myself, at that point (Laughs). I didn't want to go home. It was in the back of my brain. I was saying, 'Gee, I want to play.'

I could imagine. It's hard to top the first two, but the scope of this one was so immense and incredible. I can't imagine to get a little taste of the set like then and then have to leave. That must have been torturous.

Peter Cullen: Yeah, it was kind of torture, it was. It's like watching a game of pick-up football and nobody chose you. You're standing on the sidelines (Laughs).

As Optimus has evolved throughout these three movies, are there things you wanted to do different with the voice, this third time around?

Peter Cullen: No, not really. The most important thing to me is to maintain the character traits and be true to them, as I have in the past. I'm never really presented anything that conflicts with those. There might be questionable areas, like the first time where they wanted Optimus Prime to be funny. I said, 'Well, how do you do that?' You can do it with words or an expression of some kind, but everything is really carved in stone. These are his traits, these are his qualities, this is what he stands for, this is who he is. I don't have to fight very hard for that. The fanbase made that pretty clear from the very beginning. They gave that a thumbs up and I honor that. It's certainly one of the easiest things for me to do, to honor Prime's traits.

Can you talk a bit about the recording process itself? Are you shown any footage during these sessions, or do you go off other things?

Peter Cullen: Well, I see varying forms of animation, from pencil sketches on a big screen, all the way to a finished product, depending on where they are in production. I'm always privy to what is happening, so I can have an idea of the character before or what's going to come after, so the lines can be read with continuity and interpretation to the plot. To answer your question, I have seen just small pencil sketches that are displayed in front of me, and they'll give me the idea of whats going on, pretty much the way it is when I record in a studio for the animated series. We don't have any pictures to look at, we just have descriptions of what the action is. And, I might add, when I see a finished product and I'm standing in front of a microphone, beats would go on in my earphone and I would miss my opportunity to speak because I would be so awed by what I just saw. It would probably take me two or three visual passes before I would be able to speak, because I would just be overwhelmed by the visual experience. As you could understand after seeing the finished product, there are so many moments where your jaw just drops.

I got a chance to see a little bit of it early, and when I saw the finished product, it was really mind-blowing. Michael Bay really upped his game in ways that, I think, a lot of people didn't expect. It was really phenomenal to watch.

Peter Cullen: I think the DVD and Blu-ray... I don't have a Blu-ray player so I just watched it on my DVD player, but even that was a phenomenal experience for me. I'm not a high-tech guy by any means, but I think I'm going to go out and buy a Blu-ray player now.

This movie is definitely one you should experience on Blu-ray, with all of the visuals. That's really the way it was meant to be seen.

Peter Cullen: I've seen a little bit of it on Blu-ray, and that was a great experience for me. I was asked earlier why people should pick up the Blu-ray or DVD and, I don't think I was being commercial at all by saying this, but I said, 'Because Optimus Prime wants you to' (Laughs).

Can you talk about working with Michael (Bay) throughout this trilogy?

Peter Cullen: It's been a unique experience and completely unforgettable. I have to pay tribute to the writers and the creative people behind this, every person behind a monitor or electronic device that they use, right down to sound, every department. It's just an amazing process and to be a part of it from my point of view, has been a huge pleasure and honor, which I will never take for granted, and I'll have for the rest of my life. Hopefully there will be another one, and I can partake in it again, but the memories are there forever and I'm genuinely pleased that a character like Prime has made a difference. It certainly did in my life.

There is a lot of talk about where the future of this franchise will go. I talked to Tyrese Gibson a few weeks ago, and he believes that everyone will come back, but it might take a couple of years, to get some other projects done. I don't think anyone will be able to let this franchise go. Is that how you're approaching the future of this franchise?

Peter Cullen: It's so great to hear Tyrese say that. It was such a pleasure being with him, he's such a great guy. I think they need a two-year rest. These guys work very hard. They can all use a rest, but I would hope that Tyrese's words come true, and I hope for the same thing. It's a unique opportunity to work with a successful trilogy like this, and lets hope it goes to four. I would love it.

Finally, I know it was such a phenomenal success in theaters, but what would you like to say to the four or five people who didn't see Transformers: Dark of the Moon in theaters about why they should pick up the Blu-ray or DVD today?

Peter Cullen: Well, if I'm overwhelmed, I know they'll be overwhelmed. It's an entertainment experience. I can't wait to get a Blu-ray player. I'm going to buy it today.

Thanks so much for talking to me, Peter. It was a real pleasure.

Peter Cullen: Brian, it's been a great pleasure talking to you, sir. Thanks a lot, Brian.

You can check out Peter Cullen as the legendary voice of Optimus Prime in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, which hits the shelves on Blu-ray and DVD today, September 30.

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EXCLUSIVE: Raising Hope: Season One DVD Clip

Sep 20, 2011 by Brian Gallagher

We have a brand new exclusive clip from the home video release Raising Hope: Season One, which hits DVD shelves today, September 20. Click on the player below to watch a scene between Lucas Neff and Shannon Woodward, where they discuss who should be Hope's guardian.

A one night stand becomes a life-long commitment when 23-year-old Jimmy Chance inadvertently impregnates a wanted felon and decides to raise Hope (aka Princess Beyonce) on his own. Jimmy, together with his family - his Maw Maw (Cloris Leachman), his mother Virginia (Martha Plimpton), and his father Burt (Garret Dillahunt) - face play dates, amusing family photo shoots, rock star dreams, vasectomies and much more in this uproariously irreverent, critically acclaimed first season of Raising Hope.

Exclusive featurettesDeleted and extended scenessGag reelCommentariesThe un-aired pilot never shown on television

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Friends with Benefits Blu-ray and DVD Arrive December 2nd

Sep 25, 2011 by Brian Gallagher

The Sony Pictures comedy Friends with Benefits will arrive on Blu-ray, Blu-ray/DVD combo pack, and DVD on December 2. The standard DVD will cost $30.99 SRP, the Blu-ray is priced at $35.99 SRP and the Blu-ray/DVD combo pack will go for $40.99 SRP. Take a look at the cover art and special features below.

Dylan (Justin Timberlake) is done with relationships. Jamie (Mila Kunis) decides to stop buying into the Hollywood clichés of true love. When the two become friends they decide to try something new and take advantage of their mutual attraction - but without any emotional attachment. Physical pleasure without the entanglements. Sounds easy enough for two logical adults, right? Not so much. They soon realize romantic comedy stereotypes might exist for a reason.

Commentary with Writer/Director Will Gluck, Justin Timberlake and Mila KunisDeleted ScenesOuttakesBonus Benefits: A Pop-Up Trivia Track (Blu-ray only)On Set With FWB (Blu-ray only)In A Flash: Choreographing A Mob (Blu-ray only)Sources: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

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Captain America: The First Avenger Blu-ray Trailer!

Sep 21, 2011 by Brian Gallagher

Paramount Home Entertainment announced the Blu-ray and DVD release details for Captain America: The First Avenger, which hits the shelves on October 25. The studio has released a Blu-ray trailer, which you can take a look at below. We also have the full press release with all of the Blu-ray and DVD details, plus the cover art below the trailer.

Marvel Studios and Paramount Pictures introduce the latest addition to the incomparable Marvel Super Hero team with Captain America: The First Avenger, ready for action on high definition Blu-ray 3D, Blu-ray and DVD October 25, 2011. Called "the best superhero movie ever" (Brian Erdy, CBS-TV), the thrill-packed adventure is a blockbuster hit with audiences worldwide, earning over $350 million at the Global Box Office. When a terrifying force threatens everyone across the globe, the world's greatest soldier wages war on the evil HYDRA organization, led by the villainous Red Skull. Loaded with fantastic action, stunning visual effects and an awe-inspiring hero imbued with courage, humanity and an unbreakable spirit, Captain America: The First Avenger transports viewers into a world of daring exploits and excitement. Starring Chris Evans in the title role, the film features an outstanding ensemble cast including Academy Award-winner Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving as Marvel's Ultimate Villain, Red Skull, Dominic Cooper, Neal McDonough, Derek Luke and Stanley Tucci.

The Captain America: The First Avenger three-disc set includes the film on Blu-ray in high-definition 3D and in high definition 2D, as well as on standard definition DVD with a digital copy. The two-disc Blu-ray/DVD combo pack includes a high definition presentation of the film, plus a standard definition presentation with a digital copy. Both sets boast over an hour of behind-the-scenes bonus material including an original Marvel short film, an exclusive sneak peek into the ultimate Super Hero team, Marvel's The Avengers, six featurettes that go behind-the-scenes of the filmmaking process, deleted scenes and much more.

The Captain America: The First Avenger Blu-ray Discs are presented in 1080p high definition with English 7.1 DTS HD Master Audio, French 5.1 Dolby Digital, Spanish 5.1 Dolby Digital, Portuguese 5.1 Dolby Digital and English Audio Description with English, English SDH, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles. The DVD in the sets is presented in widescreen enhanced for 16:9 TVs with English 5.1 Surround and English, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles. The digital copy is presented with an English Audio track.

Blu-ray
Feature film with commentary by director Joe Johnston, director of photography Shelly Johnson and editor Jeff FordMarvel One-Shot: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor's HammerOutfitting a Hero featuretteHowling Commandos featuretteHeightened Technology featuretteThe Transformation featuretteBehind the Skull featuretteCaptain America Origins featuretteThe Assembly Begins featuretteDeleted Scenes with commentary by director Joe Johnston, director of photography Shelly Johnson and editor Jeff FordTrailers

DVD

The three-disc set includes all of the above, plus the feature film on Blu-ray 3D. Captain America: The First Avenger will also be available as a single-disc DVD presented in widescreen enhanced for 16:9 TVs with English 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround, French 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround, Spanish 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround and English Audio Description and English, French and Spanish subtitles. The disc includes feature commentary, the featurettes "Outfitting a Hero" and "The Assembly Begins" and trailers.

Captain America: The First Avenger, directed by Joe Johnston, from a screenplay by Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely, will focus on the early days of the Marvel Universe when Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) volunteers to participate in an experimental program that turns him into the Super Soldier known as Captain America. As Captain America, Rogers joins forces with Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan) and Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) to fight the evil HYDRA organization, led by the villainous Red Skull (Hugo Weaving). One of a continuing slate of films being produced by Marvel Studios based on the Marvel characters, Captain America: The First Avenger joins Thor which was released on May 6, 2011 and Marvel's The Avengers which is coming to theaters on May 4, 2012. Captain America: The First Avenger, distributed by Paramount Pictures, hit theaters on July 22, 2011. Sources: Paramount Home Entertainment, Marvel

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